Father's Day

Waking in the stillness of the early morning to the laughter and giggles of the 7-year-old girl who lives next door to me – it is her father’s turn this morning to get her ready for the day ahead. Some mornings her mother has an early start and her father gets the little girl ready, and other mornings vice versa. As we head toward Father’s Day this June, I consider what wonderful memories this little girl will have as she grows up in this world, looking back on the fun mornings she had with her dad, trying to decide and agree what she would like to wear for that day – and believe me, this could take some deciding!

The official celebration of Father’s Day was initiated by President Richard Nixon in 1972, while other countries observe this occasion on varying dates. In the United Kingdom, Father’s Day is celebrated on the third Sunday of June. The choice of Sunday as the designated day allows families to more conveniently come together and honour their fathers.

Some of us are very fortunate to have wonderful memories to look back on with our father’s, some not so great, some superficial happiness, and sadly, some not good at all. Hence in the build up to Father’s Day some people are really looking forward to enjoying a great day, and to others the day does not hold too much meaning. Sadly, for those who have lost their father, or fathers who have lost their child, or fathers who are struggling to become a father themselves, can really dread the thought of the day.

The death of a parent or child can be a shocking and life-changing experience. This is as true for adults as it is for children and young people. Adults, however, are expected to be able to cope, to get on with their life and to take things in their stride. The reality can be quite different.

No matter what age you are, you are always your parent’s child.

Whether or not your relationship was close or difficult, whether contact was regular, or occasional and distant, parents are a reference point – one of the ways in which we define our sense of self and our place in the world.

Any special occasion, especially the first, can be difficult to cope with when you are bereaved. A birthday, an anniversary, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day and so on can each bring their own challenges. Some bereaved people notice a dip in their coping abilities as a special date draws near. Emotions and experiences that were previously dealt with may come to the surface again and you might even feel you are ‘going backwards’ in your grief.

Grief is unpredictable. It doesn’t stay the same each day but rather comes in waves so you may go through many different emotions in the same day.

So, as Father’s Day approaches this June be:

• Patient and gentle with yourself.
• Acknowledge the extent of your loss.
• Allow yourself to cope and grieve in a way that suits you.
• Accept emotional and practical support from friends and family.
• It may help to meet with someone outside of the family who understands what you are going through.

Father’s Day does not have to consist of major celebrations surrounded by lots of people. Very often it is the simple ideas that connect us more with our memories. Little ideas such as:

• Find some quiet time in the day to look through old photographs remembering the detail of that moment when the photo was taken.
• If your father enjoyed fishing, head off to a favourite location where your father used to fish and while away the afternoon, rod in hand, letting the memories flow through your mind.
• Likewise if your father was a keen golfer or enjoyed walking, spend the day on the golf course or venturing out on one of your father’s favourite walks.
• Gardening – perhaps your father had a love of gardening, take some time on Father’s Day to plant a favourite plant, tree or flowers that your father used to enjoy planting.
• Or simply light a candle at the table, enjoying their favourite meal and raise a glass of their chosen drink to the extra chair with their favourite scarf or jacket on it.

Each person’s bereavement journey is unique and there’s no right or wrong way to grieve. If you feel that you are struggling following the death of someone close, you can find out more about the SAIF Care bereavement support we offer.

SAIF Care bereavement support service provides:

• Helpline support on Freephone 0800 917 7224 which is open from 9am-9pm (GMT) Monday-Friday, excluding Bank Holidays.
• Friendly, supportive helpline staff who are available to offer information, advice and a listening ear.
• Email support and information at help@saifcare.org.uk
• Free online webchat SAIF Care Chat